Zombie Safety 101

Having a degree in zombie safety I have been charged with teaching the general public how to avoid becoming that which is at the top of the food chain... namely zombies!

By following these five easy steps you can put yourself at a great advantage in the war on zombies and the survival of the human race.

1. Do you have a plan of action?
Bring able to say that you know exactly what you will do in the event of the zombie invasion is one that that will set you apart from most others. Your prepared. You ran this scenario though your mind every morning when you where stuck in traffic waiting to get to that desk job. The same job you used to surf the internet and buy a remote piece of land on the side of a hill for 200$ because they said it was impossible to build a house on the the face of a cliff... ha! what do they know!

2. What form of transportation will you take?
This is a very important issue one must think of now... are you going to take that 10 speed bike that wont ever need fuel... or are you gonna deck your jeep out in barbwire and a giant snow plow?! This is going to be one thing you will want to think about.

Bikes are the best in getting away, you are less likely to be killed by another human trying to rob you of your bike... they don't wanna have to peddle that thing! Now if you have a car I would suggest getting it bullet proofed and make sure the locks work. That jerk down the street with the safe full of ammo and guns is going to kill you the second you try to make a break for it in your car!

Tho I will admit, having a car in a post-zombie world is going to attract all the ladies... and zombies. Sure you died a horrible torn to pieces death but you got laid.

3. What food will you bring?
Canned food is the best. It has a long shelf life and can be eaten without cooking it. You have to remember that there will be no electricity so you will have to keep food that does not require it to be cold... like pizza. I might go zombie asap due to the fact I would never have pizza again =(

4. Do you have a secure location to go to?
So provided you build that house on the stilts in the woods 100 miles from any roads with a rooftop garden and water pump with a AZP (Anti-Zombie Perimeter) you should be good! If not holy crap your screwed! OK don't panic. Do not go to a mall or a church or some shopping center. If you can secure your house do so, hope to go its two stories and board up the windows on the inside and out and bolt and lock and board up the door! Destroy the staircase and hope to God you have enough food to last you till the zombies rot away!

5. What type of gear do you have?
Your gonna want socks... lots of them... Lt. Dan once told me that I needed to change my socks every time we stopped... OK maybe not socks but they can be used for some things you never thought possible... like to stop bleeding or to fill with rocks and use as a mace... Or even store food.

You will need a firearm. Practice with it at a range (not your backyard). A rifle and a handgun would be preferable, if you can get a silencer that would be a plus.

A hand to hand weapon will also be needed. I prefer maces. A bladed weapon can get stuck in bones and render you empty handed. A mace of some sort can crush bones and destroy brains. A simple mace can just be a piece of metal pipe or a 2X4.

A knife is also something that can save your life as a last means of defense as well as a useful tool for a number of things.

Tight fitting clothes, nice pair of heavy duty steel-toe boots and a backpack that can easily be released if it is grabbed.

In a perfect world I would pack my food and tools in the backpack, put it over both shoulders as to not ware out one shoulder. I would carry my rifle over my right shoulder to allow for easy access to the weapon. The handgun would be either at my side or in my hands at all times. Safety one when holstered. My mace easily accessible by either attacking to belt or backpack. My knife strapped to my leg and a machete in my offhand in case I need to cut down brush, or look like a bad ass if I run into a hot chick.